Two Pensioners on a Pushbike

Final Stats

2008-05-27T01:03:00.000-07:00

Distance travelled : 955.44 miles
Time in saddle : 67.64 hours
Calories Burned : 38946

I've just checked on the internet and 3500 calories = 1 pound of body weight, so there should be more of John left than I had feared.

Day 12

2008-05-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

Falling at the Last Hurdle

Route : Brora - Wick - John O'Groats
Distance covered : 62.2 miles
Time in Saddle : 5 hours 24 minutes
Average speed : 11.5 mph
Calories : 2909

30 miles from the end of the trip and they crash into each other, resulting in ripped shorts for John, and gubbed gears and handlebars for Sammy. It is somehow appropriate that they started with a bomb scare and ended with a crash

As you can see from the stats above, from a high of over 16 mph, the road speed has dwindled to a Douglas Bader-ish pace, and it's just as well Joan was there to pick up what was left of them and throw them in the back of the car.

Final update from Sammy last night and what a tired man he sounds.

Anyway - well done boys; quite an effort on my part.

Day 11

2008-05-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

The Penultimate Pedal

Route : Fort Augustus - Drumnadrochit - Dingwall - Dornoch - Brora
Distance : 90.11 miles
Time in Saddle : 7 hours 14 minutes
Average Speed : 12.4 mph
Calories : 3443

Sammy's report, verbatim, as follows:

Riveting.

Day 10

2008-05-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

Windy

Route : Oban - Fort William - Fort Augustus
Distance covered : 76.89 miles
Average Speed : 13.2 mph
Time in saddle : 5 hours 48 minutes
Calories : 3087

Essentially the entire day spent cycling into a headwind. Nothing to report except depression and exhaustion.

1.5 days to go. I think the chaps need a song to help them on the way, so as David Soul once sang "Don't give up on us baby..." EVERYONE...

Day 9

2008-05-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

The Worst restaurant in the World

Route : Dunoon - Inverary - Oban
Distance : 78.11 miles
Average Speed : 14.0 mph
Time in Saddle : 5 hours 34 minutes
Calories : 3000

A day of culinary extremes and crap weather. Lunch in Inverary (I'll withold the name in case of litigation) : ordered a cheese and ham panini and some chicken and rice soup / received a bowl of warm water and a 10 day old toastie. Complained and asked for a fresh toastie - got the same toastie back 10 minutes later. On being challenged the waitress admitted the place was sh*t and run by ar*eholes. Inverary - don't you just love it.

Dinner in Oban at Ee-usk a different matter; Sammy and John had a mixture of magnificent sea food; Colin had a bowl of tomato soup.

Another big than-you to Iona and Gilbert who run the excellent Glen Rye where the boys stayed for the night. Money off the bill and a £40 donation. If you're going to Oban - stay there.

(Hello to Ryan, Andy and Phill who have been doing the Lands End / John O'groats thing and who the boys ate with at EE-us).

Day 8

2008-05-23T00:55:00.000-07:00

The Arrival of Colin

Route : Dumfries - Kilmarnock - Dunoon
Distance : 99.24 miles
Average Speed : 16.0 mph
Time in Saddle : 6 hours 10 minutes
Calories : 3443

The boys were joined in Kilmarnock by Greg Anderson, himself a veteran of the Land's End to John O'Groats trip. The have also been joined in the last few days by a swelling on John's person of such vastness that it has been named Colin.

John met his mum for some din'dins in the evening leaving Sammy and Greg to a planned slap up meal in Dunoon. However, the best they could find was a 3 in 1, so they ended up having a pizza and a bottle of Lambrusco on a bench.

A couple of thank-yous here to Western Ferries for letting the chaps on the ferry free of charge, and to Graeme at the hotel in Dunoon for his donation of £20 - all much appreciated.

Photo to follow

Day 7

2008-05-21T09:42:00.001-07:00

Scotland Rejoices!

Route : Kendal - Penrith - Carlisle - Dumfries
Distance covered : 79.32 miles
Average Speed : 15.4 mph
Time in saddle : 5 hours 8 minutes
Calories : 2664
Arse Condition : prolapsed

A cheering crowd of some 75,000 fans and well-wishers could not, unfortunately, make it to the border to celebrate the return of the prodigal cyclists.

A day of friction and near disaster. Sammy, bored to the point of suicide by John's chat, is now cycling with the ipod permanently fixed to his big Welsh lugs, although how you could get bored of John's conversation after only 7 days is beyond me. Anyway, while pedalling away, listening to Peters and Lee's greatest hit, Sammy started to head up the slip road to the M74, quickly followed by the rozzers who beat him up slightly and pointed him in a less exciting direction. Pity.

They're still complaining that they have sore knees but I really don't care.

Come back tomorrow for the much awaited Dumfries to Tarbert leg.

Day 6

2008-05-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

Sammy Enjoys It So Much He Does it Again.

Route : Tarpoley - Warrington - Wigan - Kendal
Distance : 94.29 miles
Average Speed : 14.1 mph
Time in saddle : 6 hours 57 minutes
Calories : 3000
Arse Condition : Red Raw Ringos

The hilarious adventures of Welsh Dave and The Lady Golfer continue with the most knob-bouncingly funny day yet.

Where to begin : both chaps have got really sore knees, they stayed in a four star hotel last night, they had two beers each, Sammy lost a shirt and had to cycle back for it a wee bit and John read Hello magazine before he went to bed.

Seriously...they really did all that...I know ....hard to believe!!

(How the hell am I supposed to keep the quality up with this material?)

Day 5

2008-05-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

Great Expectations

Route : Hereford - Ludlow - Shrewsbury - Whitchurch - Tarpoley
Distance : 87.95 miles
Average Speed : 13.8 mph
Time in saddle : 6 hours 21 minutes
Calories : 3140
Arse Condition : Crimson Circles of Satan

Good day for the boys, which got off to an uplifting start over breakfast at a local Esso station. Sammy, tucking into a Ginsters pork pie and a Fry's Peppermint Cream, was rendered almost helpless when he heard Johnny quietly ordering "a toffee crisp" in the background. That might not mean much to many of you, but suffice to say, John has form in this area.

Staying at The Swan Inn and a BIG BIG thank-you to Franc and June, and the staff, for their incredibly generous donations.

On leaving, Sammy was astonished to see a bizarrely dressed gent who bore a striking resemblance to none other than Charles Dickens. The description Sammy gave led me to share his amazement and thankfully they managed to get a snap of the eminent author before they left. I have added a photo of the genuine article and the imposter and, I'm sure that, like me, you really can't tell them apart.

Day 4

2008-05-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Lunch at the Wye

Route : Cheddar - Hereford
Distance : 75.17 miles
Average Speed : 12.9 mph
Time in saddle : 5 hours 49 minutes
Calories : 3495
Arse Condition : Jam Doughnut

Reasonably uneventful day; met Guy Grewar and family for Lasagne; met two English guys and had tea with them; went into Wales, land of David's forebears. Highlight was cycling through the Wye Valley and stopping for a bite to eat. David, in particular, has always been keen on having some lunch at the Wye and, from what John tells me, he really got stuck in.

Apologies for the photo but long distance cycling is not aways a spectator sport and the application of soothing bottom ointment is a daily hazard.

Day 3

2008-05-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

Rusty The Dog

Route : Tavistock - Crediton - Tiverton - Taunton - Cheddar
Distance : 98.52 miles
Average Speed : 12.8 mph
Time in Saddle : 7 hours 48 minutes
Calories : 4483 (John is now no more than a pair of trainers)
Arse condition : Double bagel

You will notice I have entitled this entry 'Rusty The Dog'; I wish I could elaborate further, but I was quite drunk when John phoned in with update last night and I can't read my writing or remember what he told me. I can only make out 'Rusty The Dog, ...so...that's that.

Day 2

2008-05-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

The Fall and Rise of John Grewar

Route : Penzance - Redruth - Truro - St Austell - Liskeard - Tavistock
Distance : 83.63 miles
Average Speed : 12.2 mph
Time in Saddle : 6 hours 48 minutes
Calories : 4651 (which, given that John consists of just under 5000 calories does not leave much for Day 3)
Arse Condition : Brightly Crimson

"Brutal", "Appalling", "Beyond my worst imaginings". No, these are not, as you might think, comments from the recent First Floors Customer Satisfaction Survey, but quotes directly from the mouth of David Samuel after the first full day in the saddle. In deluvian weather conditions and crossing Himalayan terrain, our interpid adventurers have not had the best day, culminating in Johnny, his little legs finally seizing towards the top of Alpe D'Huez, falling on to the grassy verge, still attached to his bike. Sammy also claims to have died twice during the day and was nearly wiped out by Ford Transit.

Day 1

2008-05-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

Emergency! Emergency!

Route : Penzance - Land's End - Penzance (don't ask - I'm just the typist)
Miles : 20.97
Time in Saddle : 1 hour 27 minutes
Average Speed : 14.4 mph
Calories : 986 (not sure if that's 'consumed' or 'used')
Arse condition : lightly chaffing

So that's the stats out of the way, which hide the real story of the day, the surprisingly unsurprising fact that our two heroes brought Bristol train station to a halt by leaving two unidentified, weirdly shaped pieces of luggage (their bikes) unattended on the platform, resulting in the station being effectively closed down. The fact that the entire endeavour could have been brought to a premature end in a controlled explosion in Bristol before they had even attained the start line...well, you couldn't make it up.

When they finally did make the start line at Penzance, things went more smoothly with a 21 mile ride to Land'e End and back which David Samuel (43 1/2) described as 'a dawdle'. They did, however, manage to get to Land's End to find it shut, the guy who takes the photo at the famous sign having punched his card at 4pm.

The B&B, run by an L-shaped pensioner called Mrs Ash (111) makes The Slaughtered Lamb (ref: American Werewolf in London) look welcoming, and your correspondent has concerns they might not see the dawn.

More anon...

Prologue

2008-05-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

A New Hope

With the sad demise of Rangers in Europe causing understandable frustration among their more discerning followers, and Andy Murray continuing to underwhelm in serial displays of petulism and defeat, who will provide some sunshine to the overcast world of Scottish sport? Step forward a new breed of Caledonian hero in the unlikely shapes of David Samuel and John Grewar who, in most eyes, are to long distance cycling what Hinge and Bracket are to cage fighting. A spartan regime of pot noodles and press-ups has, however, transformed two formerly pasty-faced nancy boys into statuesque, granite-hewn athletes, well capable of the Homerian challenge they have set themselves.

2008-05-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

And so the countdown begins...David 'Taffy' Samuel and John 'Toffee Crumble' Grewar..gird your loins and slather the dangly bits with soothing balm..the time is nearly upon us. Please visit us at http://soreplums.blogspot.com for up to the minute news on the slowest, fattest, most long drawn out sporting event in 2008. More to follow as soon as they send me anything interesting...